As of this moment, this household is a PFZ. A Pepsi Free Zone.
No more shall we allow my formerly-beloved Mountain Dew to cross our threshold. Never again will I sing the sweet song of Dr. Pepper. All YUM restaraunts, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Long John Silver’s, etc., are forever barred from access to my hard earned post-tax dollars.
Pepsi, you have abandoned the final vestiges of corporate decency in favor of giving a zillion dollar blowjob – the likes of which can usually only be found in the highest priced whorehouses of North Korea – to the ego of The One. (I mention North Korea here because that the only place I can think of off the top off my head that actually has giant posters declaring the people’s adoration of their Dear Leader.)
PepsiCo, you are now offically the Whore of a New Generation. Willing not only to proclaim your love like a drunken prom date, but willing to put out to the whole football team like LouAnne Gadfly, belle of the Sub-Deb spring cotillion, just because Daddy didn’t give you the pony you REALLY wanted for your fifth birthday. Your cock-juggling is going to end up with you at the free clinic hoping that penicillin can take care of that rash on your twat (and strangely enough on your feet; Christ bitch, what the hell did you let them do to you?) When you suddenly can’t meet any good boys anymore and your momma tries to tell you that you need to bathe more often and all the other girls won’t even be in the room with you anymore, let alone let you borrow their make-up, you will only have yourself to blame.
Your ulitimate punishment will be a creeping decent into syphilitic madness, punctuated only by the brief times on stage in Tijiuana when your last remaining friend, Pedro the Donkey, will show you that even though he doesn’t really love you, he can make you hurt just a little bit more.
The end for you will come finally when you will see Tommy-boy one night out the audience. Tommy-boy, the only boy who treated you decently after your gash-opening party. Tommy-boy, who when you were both five years old said he would always love you. Tommy-boy, who grew up to join the Navy and is on his first weekend pass from San Diego, will see you and Pedro up on stage and not even recognize you. And when you reach out for him, that sweet clean cut boy from your innocent youth, he will pull away from you so fast that you will fall from the stage and break your neck. Another dead whore, and a lesson to Tommy-boy to stay the fuck out of Mexican bars that only serve piss-warm Chongo and Pepsi Cola.
Fuck you, Pepsi. Have the decency not to infect anybody else before you die.
UPDATE: Thanks to a few commentors and emailers who let me in on some spin-off and distribution info. Keeping that in mind, I went researching: Wiki is your friend after all. The following is a list that wiki says Pepsi owns. Damn I hate it, but all that shit is getting tossed:
- Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Pepsi, Diet Pepsi/Pepsi Light, Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Pepsi Light, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Pepsi Lime, Pepsi Max, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi ONE.
- Other U.S. carbonated soft drinks, including Mountain Dew, Mug Root Beer, Sierra Mist, Tropicana Twister Soda and Frawg,
- 7 Up (Globally, outside the USA)
- Other U.S. beverages, including Aquafina (Flavor Splash, Alive, and Twist/Burst), Tava, Dole, Gatorade, Izze, Mountain Dew AMP, Propel Fitness Water, SoBe, Quaker Milk Chillers, Ben & Jerry’s MilkShakes, and Tropicana
- Beverages marketed outside the U.S.: Alvalle, Concordia, Copella, Evervess, Fiesta, Frui’Vita, Fruko, Junkanoo, Kas, Loóza, Manzana Corona, Manzanita Sol, Mirinda, Paso de los Toros, Radical Fruit, San Carlos, Schwip Schwap, Shani, Teem, Triple Kola, and Yedigun
- Frito-Lay brands: Baken-ets, Barcel, Bocabits, Cheese Tris, Cheetos, Chester’s, Chizitos, Churrumais, Cracker Jack, Crujitos, Doritos, Fandangos, Fritos, Funyuns, Gamesa, Go Snacks, James’ Grandma’s Cookies, Hamka’s, Lay’s, Miss Vickie’s, Munchies, Munchos, Nik Naks, Ollie’s Meat Snacks, Quavers, Rold Gold, Ruffles, Rustler’s Meat Sticks, Sabritas, Sabritones, Sandora, Santitas, Smartfood, The Smith’s Snackfood Company, Sonric’s, Stacy’s Pita Chips, Sun Chips, Tor-tees, Kurkure, Tostitos, Walkers, and Wotsits
- Quaker Oats brands: Aunt Jemima, Cap’n Crunch, Coqueiro, Crisp’ums, Cruesli, FrescAvena, King Vitaman, Life, Oatso Simple,Quake, Quisp, Rice-A-Roni, and Spudz
As a proper Southern gal I say, Have a Coke and a smile.
Never could stand Pepsi anyway, so fuck ‘em.
Joan of Argghh!
January 16th, 2009
That’s pretty sickening. I can’t wait until Pepsi is the “Official Soft Drink of the White House!”
Pepsi has certainly gone the extra mile in whoring itself out.
folly
January 16th, 2009
I was never a Pepsi drinker anyway, so they can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. Dr. Pepper? Meh. Mountain Dew? Please. I prefer coffee for my caffeine, or sweet iced tea in the summer.
Pepsi, take your high fructose corn syrup and your artificial flavors and shove them up your shallow, sycophantic derriere until it bleeds.
There. I feel better now.
And now for something completely different…Anyone watching BSG tonight? *trembles with excitement*
D.W.
January 16th, 2009
Yum not part of pepsi anymore. They left that sinking ship 2 years ago.
Brad essex
January 16th, 2009
I did a post with a similar theme earlier this afternoon…. what a bunch of fucking lemmings. I can’t wait for all of these assholes to find out what Mr. Hopey-Changey is really all about.
And my beloved Dr. Pepper is owned by Cadbury-Schweppes…
jana
January 17th, 2009
Dear Pepsi Marketing Folks:
Pissing off 40+ million people who didn’t vote for the Empty Suit? Probably not a very good idea.
I shall have a Coke, thanks.
That is all.
Jim - PRS January 17th, 2009
To all of you who have helped with my factual/out-of-date errors, thank you. I don’t know how it is in the rest of the country, but down here in FL, Pepsi at least distributes Dr. Pepper, Mt. Dew, etc. and YUM brand restaurants only serve Pepsi products.
I guess I will just have to widen my economic scorn a bit…from now on ANY restaurant, fast food joint, hot dog stand, or bbq trailer on the side of the road that tells me they don’t serve Coke will not be getting my money. If they serve Pepsi, too, that’s fine, but I think that my new battle cry should be, “it’s not just a beverage, it’s a choice!”
Mister Liberty Girl
January 17th, 2009
Man, I wish these companies would lay off the political marketing. I mean, I don’t care about Pepsi, itself – I’ve said for years that if I want a Pepsi, I’ll open a Coke and leave it out overnight – but why do they have to be allowed to own Frito-Lay?
That knocks off almost all my favorite junk food, damn it.
Ah well, at least they don’t appear to own Snyder’s of Hanover, so I can still get good pretzels.
Matt Gee
January 17th, 2009
Only one thing on that entire list in my house: Santitas.
Ay de mi! The ONLY tortilla chip I allow in the house. No mas!
Joan of Argghh!
January 17th, 2009
Wait – now, hold on. You’re saying no more Lay’s Cracker Crisps?! No more delicious Oatmeal?! Arghh!
LauraB
January 17th, 2009
@LauraB
Get McCann’s Irish Oatmeal. You’ll never use flat, tasteless Quaker Oats again. Mmmmmm.
folly
January 17th, 2009
I never liked Pepsi so this is easy for me. Diet Pepsi, in particular, is disgusting. Never liked Dew or anything else they make. Still, I will not be returning to Taco Bell as a result of this. Or any of the other Pepsi-owned holes.
Fucking idiots! I really can’t believe they’re THIS stupid. They deserve failure.
dogette
January 18th, 2009
It breaks my heart,seeing I love Mountian Dew. However, I cannot support a business that tosses its hat in with the Anoited One. They have lost my business for the next four years.
Michael
January 18th, 2009
I went to the Pepsico web site and shared my thoughts. You might consider doing the same. And, earlier I wrote that 40+ million people didn’t vote for The One. Wrong… It is 58 million and I’m sure many of them are not real happy right about now.
Jim - PRS January 18th, 2009
No more Pepsi here… which sucks wet socks. Hello… Tropicana? Naked juice?
58 million people voted for the other guy. This cult is insanity.
pam
January 18th, 2009
I am not sure if this has been caused by an increase of Coke sales and therefore a need to be different, or just a way to get the boycotters to fold.
Pepsi brings back the flavor we grew up with
Jeff Stone
February 24th, 2009
@Jeff:
Too little, too late.
Douche nozzles.
jana
February 24th, 2009