As of this moment, this household is a PFZ. A Pepsi Free Zone.
No more shall we allow my formerly-beloved Mountain Dew to cross our threshold. Never again will I sing the sweet song of Dr. Pepper. All YUM restaraunts, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Long John Silver’s, etc., are forever barred from access to my hard earned post-tax dollars.
Pepsi, you have abandoned the final vestiges of corporate decency in favor of giving a zillion dollar blowjob – the likes of which can usually only be found in the highest priced whorehouses of North Korea – to the ego of The One. (I mention North Korea here because that the only place I can think of off the top off my head that actually has giant posters declaring the people’s adoration of their Dear Leader.)
PepsiCo, you are now offically the Whore of a New Generation. Willing not only to proclaim your love like a drunken prom date, but willing to put out to the whole football team like LouAnne Gadfly, belle of the Sub-Deb spring cotillion, just because Daddy didn’t give you the pony you REALLY wanted for your fifth birthday. Your cock-juggling is going to end up with you at the free clinic hoping that penicillin can take care of that rash on your twat (and strangely enough on your feet; Christ bitch, what the hell did you let them do to you?) When you suddenly can’t meet any good boys anymore and your momma tries to tell you that you need to bathe more often and all the other girls won’t even be in the room with you anymore, let alone let you borrow their make-up, you will only have yourself to blame.
Your ulitimate punishment will be a creeping decent into syphilitic madness, punctuated only by the brief times on stage in Tijiuana when your last remaining friend, Pedro the Donkey, will show you that even though he doesn’t really love you, he can make you hurt just a little bit more.
The end for you will come finally when you will see Tommy-boy one night out the audience. Tommy-boy, the only boy who treated you decently after your gash-opening party. Tommy-boy, who when you were both five years old said he would always love you. Tommy-boy, who grew up to join the Navy and is on his first weekend pass from San Diego, will see you and Pedro up on stage and not even recognize you. And when you reach out for him, that sweet clean cut boy from your innocent youth, he will pull away from you so fast that you will fall from the stage and break your neck. Another dead whore, and a lesson to Tommy-boy to stay the fuck out of Mexican bars that only serve piss-warm Chongo and Pepsi Cola.
Fuck you, Pepsi. Have the decency not to infect anybody else before you die.
UPDATE: Thanks to a few commentors and emailers who let me in on some spin-off and distribution info. Keeping that in mind, I went researching: Wiki is your friend after all. The following is a list that wiki says Pepsi owns. Damn I hate it, but all that shit is getting tossed:
- Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Pepsi, Diet Pepsi/Pepsi Light, Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Pepsi Light, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Pepsi Lime, Pepsi Max, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi ONE.
- Other U.S. carbonated soft drinks, including Mountain Dew, Mug Root Beer, Sierra Mist, Tropicana Twister Soda and Frawg,
- 7 Up (Globally, outside the USA)
- Other U.S. beverages, including Aquafina (Flavor Splash, Alive, and Twist/Burst), Tava, Dole, Gatorade, Izze, Mountain Dew AMP, Propel Fitness Water, SoBe, Quaker Milk Chillers, Ben & Jerry’s MilkShakes, and Tropicana
- Beverages marketed outside the U.S.: Alvalle, Concordia, Copella, Evervess, Fiesta, Frui’Vita, Fruko, Junkanoo, Kas, Loóza, Manzana Corona, Manzanita Sol, Mirinda, Paso de los Toros, Radical Fruit, San Carlos, Schwip Schwap, Shani, Teem, Triple Kola, and Yedigun
- Frito-Lay brands: Baken-ets, Barcel, Bocabits, Cheese Tris, Cheetos, Chester’s, Chizitos, Churrumais, Cracker Jack, Crujitos, Doritos, Fandangos, Fritos, Funyuns, Gamesa, Go Snacks, James’ Grandma’s Cookies, Hamka’s, Lay’s, Miss Vickie’s, Munchies, Munchos, Nik Naks, Ollie’s Meat Snacks, Quavers, Rold Gold, Ruffles, Rustler’s Meat Sticks, Sabritas, Sabritones, Sandora, Santitas, Smartfood, The Smith’s Snackfood Company, Sonric’s, Stacy’s Pita Chips, Sun Chips, Tor-tees, Kurkure, Tostitos, Walkers, and Wotsits
- Quaker Oats brands: Aunt Jemima, Cap’n Crunch, Coqueiro, Crisp’ums, Cruesli, FrescAvena, King Vitaman, Life, Oatso Simple,Quake, Quisp, Rice-A-Roni, and Spudz
