Man, it’s a Sunday, I should be lazing about watching the kids play with their Xmas Wii, but instead I gotta write about these angsty bitches at Starbuck’s, who think the baristas need unionizing.

Yeah, I just used “baristas” and “unionizing” in the very same sentence.  I’ll have to check but that could very well be one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

First, you emo fuckers, if your job title is in ANOTHER LANGUAGE, then the odds of your workplace being A) dangerous, or B) exploitative, are very nearly zero.  

Second, if your bosses were actually working your soft, pink fingers to the bone, you’d really only have to step down the street to the offices of WPUTZ, Channel 42 (Cleveland’s #1 News Station!!) and tell your heartrending little story – complete with video of your threadbare green t-shirt, your sweaty brow, and that callus on your little finger – to publicize their inhumane treatment, and immediately convene Congressional hearings on your behalf.  

Third, just how dangerous is it being a barista?  Well, since I was one during my college days, let’s recap:

1. Slippery floors?  Nope, non-skid mats are required in tiled areas, checked once a month by health inspector.
2. Sharp, pointy things?  Pretty much just the knife used to slice the bagels.  Oh, and that second shift bitch’s tongue.  WHY won’t she sleep with meeee???
3. Dangerous levels of heat/radiation/toxic waste?  Well, the espresso machine is pretty gnarly at the end of the day, but even a three year old would understand, “don’t touch the hot part, ok honey?”

So, no…no reason whatsoever for prissy little fucks who assemble over-priced caffeine beverages in air-conditioned comfort to form a fucking UNION.  What we have here is a handful of delusional pricks who just can’t believe their great-grandpas/-mas, got all the fun of being social activists, despite the fact that they were actually DYING in their workplaces, not merely suffering from debilitating steam burns on their widdle pitters.  

Hell, it’s easier than doing something REALLY meaningful.  Like finishing college and getting a real job.

It’s been some time since we’ve had a List insertion, but here comes Mister Pretentious Aussie Face to save the day!

 Dashing Aussie actor Simon Baker is about to go public with his biggest plans for 2009 – he’s hoping to become an American citizen.

The star of hit new U.S. drama The Mentalist tells this weekend’s (03-04Jan09) Parade magazine in America that he and his wife were spurred on to become U.S. citizens after Barack Obama‘s historic election win in November.

He tells the publication, “The morning after… I said to my wife Rebecca, ‘You know, I’m thinking about becoming an American,’ and then she said that she felt the same way.

“I don’t follow sports here, but politics has sort of taken its place. I followed the race closely. It’s a tricky area, because I don’t want to be offensive, and I had no party loyalty. But electing Obama was this country being very grown-up. It was such a positive step for the U.S. to become a part of the world again after the last eight years.
 

My ass, you must kiss it.

Feh, screw this. MLG and I are off to shoot zombies. Have a Merry New Year, y’all.

While they still cannot compete with Dogette’s Neighborhood of Awesome Moronity, our own Garage People continue to be sources of utter fucking confusion for us.  Last time we spoke there were two notable Garage-dwelling households in our neighborhood: the Trailerians and the Hoodtowners.  While Hoodtown Ricer Boy still goes through a clutch a week backing that shit into the garage, the Trailerians have far outstripped their rivals in the Sheer Fucking Creepy Department.

For starters, that garage door is open all the time.  All. The. Time.  I’ll have to check with MLG, who regularly steps out on the front veranda to burn one before bedtime, but the damned thing might just stay open all night.  

Most of the time they’re sitting in the garage – “they” being however many adults in the apparently extensive clan that actually live there are home at the moment – on what appears to be the bench seat from a van.   No, not a spare sofa.  Not lawn chairs.  An old seat ripped out of a VAN.  (Which I presume is still parked down by the river.)

And they STARE.  Step out of your house to get the mail, they STARE.  Leave to do errands, they STARE.  Go out to do anything at all during which you have the expectation of NOT FUCKING BEING STARED AT, and they STARE.  Until you look at them, anyway.  Then they look away.

I’ve begun to make it a specific point to bring Liberty Dog out with me to get the mail.  He’s large, red, and when he gives you the prick-eared look, your colon tries to tie itself in granny knots.  They don’t know he’s a big lapdog who’d rather eat ice cubes than bite miscreants, and we’re sure as fuck not telling them.  

I also regularly allow my t-shirt to ride up when putting things into the car, thereby strategically exposing my belt-holstered PPK.  Yes, losers, I have a dog, a gun and an attitude.  YOU CAN STOP STARING NOW.

As I was writing this someone knocked on our front door.  I scoped him out using our super-large door viewer (get you one-a these, people), then yanked the door open and gave him the fuckeye.   He stepped back (as I meant him to), then girded his loins and sallied into his pitch.  Apparently he is a neighbor, just bought a house the street over, and is affianced to some chick.  They’re trying to do a beautiful beach wedding without mortgaging the future offspring and said they’d been admiring our Xmas lights, wanted to know if they could borrow them for the ceremony.  

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I said yes.  Maybe it’s because the Liberty Kids are still off at Grandma’s house, I’m feeling kind of vulnerable and at loose ends.  Or maybe I just remembered how we did our own wedding on the cheap, albeit gorgeously.  Or maybe it’s nice to have a neighbor who would ask to borrow the lights instead of just nicking them in the dead of night. 

I hate it when I discover I’m not pure evil, like that time I did NOT swerve to puddle-splash the guy in the wheelchair.  But that’s another story.

Oh sssssnap!  Hold on to your pantiessss, girlsssss!

…speaking about the exchange on MSNBC shortly after, NBC Washington bureau chief Mark Whitaker said that reporters have not been aggressive enough during Obama’s post-election pressers. 

“Our job is to hold him to account,” Whitaker said, adding that he thinks “we’re going to have to get tougher.”

You know that thing you do, when Aunt Flossie – in the middle of the family barbecue – remarks how nice Grandpa’s penis looks of a morning?  Yeah, that thing.  Jaw completely unhinged, hanging down into your lap, brain simply unable to process the information just received.  

Well, you might actually have that reaction were the quotes in question not loaded with textbook examples of  the passive-aggressive.  But, alas, they are, therefore no jaw-dropping, no unwanted penis visuals, nothing whatsoever changes, and just business as usual.

As if you, my faithful 64 readers, needed any further proof as to the great stinking cosmic joke that our political system has become…yet still I offer this as Exhibit 982,654:

SCARBOROUGH: You don’t know Obama. You can’t even tell me whether he ran the 2002 campaign of the most corrupt governor in America.

BARNICLE: I can tell you this much: he was a state senator then, and he ran that campaign about as much as I did.

SCARBOROUGH: Oh really? How do you know that?

BARNICLE: Just instinct.

SCARBOROUGH: Instinct?

BARNICLE: Yeah.

*fume*

You know, were these assclowns in any other industry they would never have made it past the unpaid summer intern stage.  Seriously, can you see answering Mister BigAss CEO with something that inane?

BIGASS CEO:  How does the 4th quarter look, Smithers?

SMITHERS:  Well, sir, my instincts say we’re going to finish strong!

BIGASS CEO:  ”Instincts”??  They teach you that shit at Harvard, boy?  I don’t want INSTINCTS, I want fuckin’ FACTS!  Now git your ass out of my sight!

Or maybe that’s just how it would work at Liberty Girl Enterprises.

Boy, that Palin Derangement Syndrome is a stone bitch, isn’t it?  

I mean, c’mon, setting a CHURCH on fire, with women and kids inside??  That’s some seriously bad karma there, son.   And for what?  It’s the church she USED to attend, does not currently attend.  I’m not sure what physics are like in your universe, but here, that’s not really going to accomplish what you think.  

By the way, dear arsonist, Mister Liberty Girl (who takes the protection of women/children quite seriously) would like a word with you.  *sells PPV tickets*

And you.  You clownshoed, wrinkly old meatsack.  The ONLY reason you got as near the Golden Ticket as you did is because someone SMARTER THAN YOU convinced you to take Palin on as VP candidate.  Most of us couldn’t stomach you until that point, were considering writing in FRED! (you broke my heart, man), or Lt. Dan, or our freaking DOG…ANYONE but you.  This would be a big old reason why here, man:

Speaking to ABC’s “This Week,” McCain was asked whether Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin could count on his support.

“I can’t say something like that. We’ve got some great other young governors. I think you’re going to see the governors assume a greater leadership role in our Republican Party,” he said.

He then mentioned governors Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota and Jon Huntsman of Utah.

Regardless of your opinion, you cock*, you could have been somewhat more fucking diplomatic about that response.  You may think your “corpse is still warm,” but it’s still a fucking corpse.  You have ZERO chance in 2012, my friend.  Just fuck back off to Arizona and continue the mummification process, kthx.  

*There’s our word for him, as promised.  Hi Mom!

In the words of the immortal Wayne Campbell: Exsqueeze me?

Well, my 46 readers, this is a Momentous Occasion…Big Media^TM is actually questioning Dear Leader.  And I don’t mean asking how many ciggies he’s smoked today, or what kind of mongrel will soon be pissing on the White House parquet…they’re actually questioning his association with the soon-to-be-ex-Governor of the state in which he paid his graft dues. 

Now, I grant you, they’re not questioning very hard.  See, please, the following compendium of passive-aggressive speak to be found in this hatchet feather job:

1. “It was a bit of a muddle.”
2. “It’s hard to know what to make of this.”
3. “But Obama’s answer wasn’t terribly nourishing.”
4. “…whiff of imprecision…”

Wow, that’s really taking it to him there, JD.  Gosh, I almost need to sit down after reading that.

I sure hope they don’t keep doing this sort of thing, I just don’t know if my heart can take it.

Look, Gheys, the sad fact is that most of us don’t give two shits about with whom you choose to enjoy Flesh Sessions, we just want you to FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT.  

What, exactly, is wrong with “domestic partnership”?  The insurance bennies?  Erm, aren’t most companies hep to the jive these days?

Is it the not officially “husband” and “wife” thing?  Those are just words, homies, call yourselves whatever the fuck you like.

Personally – and my Heinlein roots are totally going to show here – I LOVE the idea of contract marriages.  Not that I’m interested in trading in Mister Liberty Girl AT ALL, but doesn’t it just make sense to have options for those who are, er, impaired in the commitment area?  For instance, a 1 year, no-progeny contract is a nice way to try someone out, put ‘em through their paces as it were.  A 20 year, progeny-specific contract might work for others.  The combinations could be endless, all contracted, pre-arranged, and absolutely enforceable by law.

It all sounds perfectly logical, but humans so rarely ARE that it would just never work in the real world.  Most people are morons, emotional idiots to boot, and it’s only through religious indoctrination that the majority of them convinced to marry and provide for their issue in any meaningful fashion.  Grar.

Now, I’m sick, so this is going to hurt.  

Them, not me.

Our new fuckstupid benevolent overlords are going to be sending out emails demanding entreating their subjects constituency to tithe donate to the eradication of the massive debt from Hillsy’s failed campaign for the Overlordship Presidency.  

Too bleh to blockquote.  Read for your ownselves.

52s – you pack of limp-brained, sausage-fingered, South American-laboratory-test-subjects – does it seem at all logical that YOU should foot the bill for this circus, this Hippodrome of Fail?  Or is asking the lot of you to deploy such an advanced trait as logic a wee bit too much after everything Dr. Mengele put you through?  

Sorry, I know I’m not supposed to say the “M” word. 

Do you just not get that the Empty Suit and his cronies see you all as nothing more than their personal financial institution?  Free withdrawals, any time, NO WAITING!!  You’re a walking dollar factory, nothing else, and everything they tell you/do for you is designed to keep the greenbacks flowing Eastward.  Gullible doesn’t even begin to describe those of you who fall for this bullshit.

Well, should *I* receive such an email, after I’d finished laughing, I’d collect all the snotty tissues that are piling up on my desk like some evil, gelatinous Kilimanjaro, pop them in an envelope and send them right along.  That should clear things right up.

By show of hands, who thinks the impetus for this article has more to do with the author’s NFL fandom than an actual grasp of the Constitution, legal system, and/or logic?

New York Giants star receiver Plaxico Burress is facing a mandatory 3½ years in prison and the end of his football career. His crime? Not having a license, which New York City never would have issued him, for the exercise of his constitutional right to bear arms.

To be sure, Mr. Burress got caught because of what appears to have been stupid and irresponsible behavior connected with the handgun. But he does not face prison for shooting himself. His impending mandatory sentence highlights the unfairness and unconstitutionality of New York City’s draconian gun laws.

Feel a tiny tear trickle down your cheek at the thought of a football player – traditionally the most over-priveleged group in modern society – losing his “career” due to his inability to grasp the fact that laws apply to EVERYONE, not just the “little people.”  

More quotes from this piece the WSJ is very careful to place under the OPINION section are surely in order…

It appears that he put the unholstered gun in the waistband of his sweatpants, and when it slipped, he grabbed for it, accidentally hitting the trigger. To make matters worse, according to press accounts, he was seen drinking and may have been consuming alcohol — which all firearms safety training (including the class he would have been required to take for his Florida permit) absolutely forbids for people handling guns. And of course Mr. Burress’s handgun should have been holstered to prevent unintentional movement of the trigger. Fortunately, his negligent discharge did not harm anyone else.

Anyone who has ever concealed carried is right now saying, “Jesus Fucking Christ On A Monkey!” at the image of someone carring a gun WITHOUT a holster, in the waistband of SWEATPANTS.  I mean, godDAMN, even Glocks are fairly heavy, and not wearing a belt to keep the pants up, and secure the holster, officially means you’re too fucking stupid to carry the thing, licensed or not.

Mr. Burress’s behavior was bad. However, Mr. Burress is not facing prosecution for carelessness, but simply for carrying a weapon. This is unjust and perhaps unconstitutional. 

Oh joy, another half-asser who fancies himself a Constitutional Scholar.  The basis for this idiotic comment is D.C. v. Heller, which as you all know, overturned D.C.’s fuckstupid handgun ban, thereby disappointing many nascent fascists.  However, the “logic” applied is, well, nonexistent:

The Heller decision did not say that requiring a license to carry a gun was unconstitutional. But in New York State, nonresidents cannot even apply for the licenses to possess or carry a handgun. Unlike most other states, New York refuses to honor carry permits issued by sister states. Most observers believe that the Supreme Court will eventually make state and local governments obey the Second Amendment. If it does, New York’s discrimination against nonresidents will probably be ruled unconstitutional.

Bloody hell.  You know, I am absolutely in favor of every law-abiding citizen having the means to protect themselves, and I’m super excited about it being done by a sexy piece of hardware capable of throwing a projectile in excess of 800 feet per second, but things still work exactly like they used to – if you don’t like a law, GET IT CHANGED, either by voting out the clownshoes wot proposed it, or petitioning the like-minded to call for a popular vote to overturn it.  You can’t just stomp your widdle foot and say, “not fair!” and expect things to Harry Potter themselves around to just the way you like them.  

Yes, NY’s lack of reciprocation for the properly-licensed sucks, but you can’t just IGNORE it and expect to walk, regardless of how many touchdowns you score.   You ain’t special, son.

*Yes, that was indeed a Dallas Cowboy slam, kthx.