“It might at first seem odd to claim that animals might have a right to privacy. Privacy, as it is commonly understood, is a culturally human concept. The key idea is to think about animals in terms of the public/private distinction. We can never really know if animals are giving consent, but they often do engage in forms of behavior which suggest they’d rather not encounter humans, and we might want to think about equating this with a desire for privacy.”

Ok, Sparky, I’m going to give you a skosh of credit for at least acknowledging that “privacy” is a human kink (one typically installed by your friendly neighborhood cult religion), but everything else you’re saying is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Let’s engage the logical bits of our brain, shall we?  Two animals meet, like the smell of each other, instinct takes over, etc.  Any notion of “privacy” these two might in the least entertain has absolutely everything to do with not being predated in the middle of a vulnerable moment, and nothing whatsoever to do with those crazy bipeds ogling the process.  Survival of the fittest, you freaking moron, not modesty, not shame, not any of the bullshit baggage you bring to your own fumbling attempts.

I have a feeling this entire “study” stems from an embarrassing incident in someone’s pants while watching monkeys at the zoo, and “publication” in this case is simply a cheap form of attempted therapy.

The Florida Senate has passed a measure that toughens the state’s seat belt law.

The Senate voted 33-4 Tuesday to pass the Dori Slosberg and Katie Marchetti Safety Belt Law named in the memory of two young women killed in accidents while not wearing seat belts.

It has been my contention since I was a teenager (ergo possessing of a barely-functional forebrain) that the government has zero say in a person’s method of self-destruction, and in 20+ years of driving (and a few car accidents, some my fault and some not), that stance hasn’t changed one bit.  If people are not capable of connecting the lack of a seatbelt to near-certain death in an automobile accident, then no one, least of all the sodding GOVERNMENT, has a say in that.  

At the risk of dispelling the fuzzy-bunny illusions of some, we are not doing our species any favors by working so very hard to preserve those incapable of preserving themselves.  

But we have higher brain functions!  We’re not animals!  Every human life is PRECIOUSSSSS!!!!

Yeah?  And how’s that working out for us, eh?

I have stories upon stories spinning around in my brain, most of which pretty much never end up on paper the way I envision them.  But I keep slinging.  If any of you enjoy writing flash fiction, join us over there.  We post a theme every Monday through Friday, and our readers may contribute their own 100 word stories in the comment section of the theme post. 

Speaking of writing, we hit a bookstore the morning before heading off to the beach last weekend, where I regrettably picked up this utter piece of tripe.  

Twenty-two of today’s most talented writers (and comics fans) unite in Who Can Save Us Now?, an anthology featuring brand-new superheroes equipped for the threats and challenges of the twenty-first century — with a few supervillains thrown in for good measure. Edited and with contributions by Owen King(We’re All in This Together) and John McNally (America’s Report Card), Who Can Save Us Now? enriches the superhero canon immeasurably.

With mutations stranger than the X-Men and with even more baggage than the Hulk, this next generation of superheroes is a far cry from your run-of-the-mill caped crusader. From the image-conscious and not-very-mysterious masked meathead who swoops in and sweeps the tough girl reporter off her feet; to the Meerkat, who overcomes his species’ cute and cuddly image to become the resident hero in a small Midwestern city; to the Silverfish, “the creepy superhero,” who fights crime while maintaining the slipperiest of identities; to Manna Man, who manipulates the minds of televangelists to serve his own righteous mission, these protectors (and in some cases antagonizers) of the innocent and the virtuous will delight literary enthusiasts and comic fans alike.

It sounds good, doesn’t it?  But seeing as how I found it in the FICTION section (instead of in the Fantasy/Sci-Fi section, where people tell Actual Stories) it is instead filled with inane scribblings the likes of which you might expect to find in a battered spiral notebook decorated with skulls and Hello Kitties, left forgotten in the school bathroom by the 8th grade’s lone, miserable goth chick.  

Seriously, I’m three stories into this thing and I already long to toss it into our non-existent fireplace.  Story one had some potential, sort of a Superman as told by a jaded/cynical/envious/horny Lois Lane.  The second was more something that might come out during court-ordered psychiatric visits.  And the third was straight from some pre-teen’s nightstand dream diary. 

Look, people…when they say “write what you know” the implication is “oh, and tell a fucking story, you moron.”  A vignette from your nightmares, a half-recalled childhood fantasy…these do not adequate stories make, not even SHORT stories.  They’re rather like spiderwebs:  no substance and certainly no flavor.  

I’m going to finish reading the thing, mainly because I have nothing else to read until the new Harry Dresden arrives, but I fully expect to need a freaking Bat Signal before I’m done.

Amazing video of an attempted home invasion in Tucson. Investigators say the victim fought back by shooting at a group of armed men trying to break into his house. This all happened Thursday afternoon near Cardinal and Irvington on the southwest side.

The is video from a surveillance system overlooking the driveway of the victim’s home. It shows the suspects pull up in a car and jump out. One of the would-be home invaders fires a shot as he runs into the garage. Within seconds several more shots ring out. Investigators say those came from the man inside the home.

Let’s see if we can get the video to embed…

Click here to view the embedded video.

All I have to say is “nice grouping.”

(noun)

1. to feel sorrow or remorse for marking the skin with indelible patterns

Exhibits A through ∞.

Should I be fortunate enough in the future to resume attendance of musical performances, operas, and the like (ie. post-children), I hereby vow to put boot (or stylish-yet-comfortable flats) to ass the very first time someone purportedly in existence to entertain me decides to interrupt said entertainment in order to interject their un-asked-for, un-wanted, and un-intelligent political opinion into the proceedings.  

In other words, shut the fuck up and amuse me, as you’ve been paid to do.

Dear New York Times:  Consider these facts, if you will.  A) You suck.  B) You suck so hard you have to sell ads on your previously “pristine” front page.  C) You suck so very, VERY hard, that you decide a funereal editorial on the entire situation is a) interesting to your readership, b) possessing of any shred of dignity whatsoever, and c) at all news.

Let me spell it out for you, I’ll even use small(ish) words:

WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR PARTISAN HACKERY.  DIE NOW PLEASE, KTHX.

And finally…  Dick-tater Chavez has “suspended”  his “charitable” contributions of heating oil to poor US households.  

GOOD.  Take your “charitable” contributions, Chavy, shove them up your ass, then follow immediately with a lit match.

And does the name of that Yet-Another-Fucking-Kennedy(what are they, rabbits??)’s “charitable” organization give anyone else the socialist-wiggins?  Citizen’s Energy Corporation: Don’t Worry, YOU Don’t Have to Work for It – Some Other Fool Does

Yeah, I just used “baristas” and “unionizing” in the very same sentence.  I’ll have to check but that could very well be one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

First, you emo fuckers, if your job title is in ANOTHER LANGUAGE, then the odds of your workplace being A) dangerous, or B) exploitative, are very nearly zero.  

Second, if your bosses were actually working your soft, pink fingers to the bone, you’d really only have to step down the street to the offices of WPUTZ, Channel 42 (Cleveland’s #1 News Station!!) and tell your heartrending little story – complete with video of your threadbare green t-shirt, your sweaty brow, and that callus on your little finger – to publicize their inhumane treatment, and immediately convene Congressional hearings on your behalf.  

Third, just how dangerous is it being a barista?  Well, since I was one during my college days, let’s recap:

1. Slippery floors?  Nope, non-skid mats are required in tiled areas, checked once a month by health inspector.
2. Sharp, pointy things?  Pretty much just the knife used to slice the bagels.  Oh, and that second shift bitch’s tongue.  WHY won’t she sleep with meeee???
3. Dangerous levels of heat/radiation/toxic waste?  Well, the espresso machine is pretty gnarly at the end of the day, but even a three year old would understand, “don’t touch the hot part, ok honey?”

So, no…no reason whatsoever for prissy little fucks who assemble over-priced caffeine beverages in air-conditioned comfort to form a fucking UNION.  What we have here is a handful of delusional pricks who just can’t believe their great-grandpas/-mas, got all the fun of being social activists, despite the fact that they were actually DYING in their workplaces, not merely suffering from debilitating steam burns on their widdle pitters.  

Hell, it’s easier than doing something REALLY meaningful.  Like finishing college and getting a real job.

Opponents of a proposal that would allow city officials to enter homes and businesses they they don’t think are up to snuff are expected to descend on the City Council tonight.

–

For council members, the proposal is necessary to bring Kenneth City’s appearance up to snuff. They and their supporters say the town has deteriorated in recent years and it’s getting worse every day. They blame homes abandoned from foreclosure, lazy property owners and renters who fail to maintain their homes. The result: falling property values in this city of 4,400 people.

The ordinance would set minimum standards for all property owners. But what has property owners ticked off is the provision allowing city officials to enter any home or business to inspect the interior. And they can seek a court order to force an owner to comply.

Kenneth City is a tiny little enclave – sure as fuck does not rate the label of “city” – out on the St. Pete penninsula here in Florida.  It is a widely acknowledged truth – or at least a firmly held preconception – that everyone on that benighted swath of land is utterly bugfuck crazy.

A plan by the sodding City Council to INVADE PEOPLE’S HOMES?!??!!  What the entire fuck do they think the’re doing?  Who the entire fuck do they think they are???  This is not a clever plan to increase property values, this is some tinpot tiny-dicked tyrant’s way of attempting a power grab…and the fact that it’s in KENNETH CITY, FLORIDA illustrates exactly the mind-numbing stupidity of this pseudo-person.  

I am very glad to see reports that the council meetings have been packed with opponents since the announcement of this fly-covered horseshit.  Don’t back down, you fucking idiots, or I’ll have to come over there with my cheese grater.

The Carleton University Students’ Association has voted to drop a cystic fibrosis charity as the beneficiary of its annual Shinearama fundraiser, supporting a motion that argued the disease is not “inclusive” enough.

Cystic fibrosis “has been recently revealed to only affect white people, and primarily men” said the motion read Monday night to student councillors, who voted almost unanimously in favour of it.

Hey kids?  Go fuck yourselves.  Because honestly, if I find out you’ve been fucking other people, thus risking the passing along of your clearly deficient genes, I’m going to come up there with my cheese grater and put an end to that nonsense.