It strikes me (hah, see what I did there) that if we really gave a shit about ending domestic violence that we wouldn’t be the least bit fucking concerned about “shocking” the audience.  

The audience, in my opinion, needs a good fucking shock.

O British Press, how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways…

LG: Reports: US warships and air assets being dispatched to Maersk Alabama. Captain held hostage in a lifeboat nearby.

MLG: Yup

LG:  christ on a donkey
cant he kill them with his dick or something?

MLG: The bainbridge, right?

LG: or is HE not an American?

MLG:  He’s dutch I think

LG:  well, that explains it

MLG:  Isn’t that veirrrrd?

LG:  haha
blogging this

UPDATE:  The Captain *is* American, so yes, he can kill the pirates with his dick.

Oh no, not SHOVED!@!!!@#

A man who collapsed and died near last week’s protests at the G-20 summit was shoved to the ground by police shortly before the collapse, according to a video of the incident posted on the Web site of the British daily The Guardian.

–

An autopsy revealed that a heart attack caused Tomlinson’s death, according to the police complaints commission.

Dude, if you have a heart condition, perhaps a RIOT isn’t the best place for you.  However, this being Britain, all the officers involved will be summarily fired, and forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation for the rest of their lives.

Sometimes I really, really, REALLY wish we lived in Britain:

Don’t throw away leftovers, warn ‘food police’

Householders are to be visited by officials offering advice on cooking with leftovers, in a Government initiative to reduce the amount of food that gets thrown away.

Home cooks will also be told what size portions to prepare, taught to understand “best before” dates and urged to make more use of their freezers.

The door-to-door campaign, which starts tomorrow, will be funded by the Waste and Resources Action Programme (WRAP), a Government agency charged with reducing household waste.

Oh, the sheer number of cockpunches that could be delivered in such a circumstance!  It makes one almost dizzy with anticipation!  Imagine, if you will…

*bing bong*

Hello, I’m from the Committee for Getting in All Up in Your Business, and I’m here to…

*COCKPUNCH*

That there is just full of WIN.

Weasel Zippers has pictures from various pro-Hamas protests around the world, in surely the biggest simultaneous Godwinning in the history of ever.

Disgusting fuckers they are, undeserving of the capability to draw breath, I have never understood why people would support fucking terrorists over not-fucking-terrorists.   You don’t see Israel lobbing rockets into their fucking schools and backyards, after all, yet it’s the Israeli flag there with the swastika so artfully added, instead of whatever shit-stained bedsheet the Palis are using for a flag this week.

Aside:  I find it Utterly Hilarious that the ones equating the Star of David with the swastika are so completely ignorant of the molecular-level irony therein.   

But of course these fucking bleeding hearts only see what they want to see.  To them, the poor widdle Palis are victims of displacement, and all those rockets – given to them by regional allies too puking scared to openly defy Israel themselves – they toss at Israeli schoolchildren are perfectly justified.  When Israel strikes back – with the bleeding edge-tech equipment that their stable and productive economy is capable of legitimately purchasing/producing – then they’re clearly the bad guys, deserving of demonization, and yes, outright slaughter.  

But they’re not fighting FAIR, wah, using all that high-tech equipment, and actual military tactics.  And they kicked the Palis out of their Homeland, WAH!

Well, god forbid the fucking Palis should turn their resources and energies into improving their hovel of a country, building up their own industrial base, giving their slum-dwelling citizens hope and purpose outside sacrificing their own children, and actually compete on a non-terrorist sort of platform.  Much more satisfying to allow a small percentage of fanatics to dictate the course of their lives, which at this point must go something like this:

• Wake up.  
• Eat something.  If there is anything to eat.
• Cower in house all day.
• Eat something.  If there is anything to eat.
• Sleep.

Palestinian people – take up the nearest rock, smash the head of the nearest Hamas member.  Then ask the UN nicely for some aid funds – trust me, they’ll fall the fuck all over themselves to give it to you, after all, THEY are the ones who split your “country” in half in the first place – then build factories, schools, hospitals, all the things a healthy society needs to function, and un-prostitute yourselves from Egypt, Iran, et. al.  Then your children can grow up to be doctors, business people, scientists, instead of lumps of shredded flesh and bone.

I wonder if there was ever a time in my life when reading the news did NOT make me angry.  If there is, I sure can’t recall it…I suppose it’s as they say:  if you’re not pissed off, then you’re not paying attention.  

Reading the news this morning has my blood pressure up, and that little vein in my temple throbbing, so in sheer self defense, I hereby create Kick in the Ass Day.  It seems like the kind of thing you might have once a year, but nooooo, I think we need to have it once a week instead, seeing as how there are So Very Many people who are So Very Deserving of a kick in the ass.  Ergo, every Wednesday hereforth is Kick in the Ass Day.  Here, I’ll start:

1. French President Nicolas Sarkozy, a man I would not trust to find his own dick without a GPS fix:  ”…went so far as to say, revoltingly, that Israel had hurt the cause of peace in the Mideast by sending ground troops into Gaza.”
2. Egyptian President Mubarak, a man who knows neither jack nor shit about ‘humanitarianism:’  ”…called the humanitarian crisis in Gaza “intolerable,” and demanded an immediate ceasefire and the opening of a humanitarian corridor into Gaza.  Mr. Mubarak blamed the deteriorating situation in Gaza on Israel’s military operations and said it is leading to an increase in tensions and instability in the Mideast.”
3. Annie Lennox, singer and drooling moron:  ”A few days after Christmas I came downstairs, put the television on and saw smoke pyres emanating from buildings and it shook me to the core. I was thinking, as a mother and as a human being, how was this going to be a solution to peace? It’s a question of human rights, human values that goes beyond Jewish, Muslim, nothing to do with any of that. There has to be a place ultimately where people come to the table”. “

With the exception of the dancing monkey there in the #3 slot, these people, one can assume, are reasonably intelligent to rise to the top leadership position in their respective countries – or at least cunning as fuck – so how does one explain their apparent position that it’s hunky dory for the terrorists to lob over 3000 missiles (in 2008) at Israeli civilians, but it’s not so peachy keen for the IDF to wade in and kick some fucking ass to make it stop?   That’s not logic, that’s self-fucking-delusion.  

Congratulations to all the honorees in the First Weekly Kick in the Ass Day.  You may download the following image and display it proudly on your MySpace page, Facebook profile, and/or personal scrapbook.

And let that be a lesson to you.

No, not that kind.  Pervs.

Should I be fortunate enough in the future to resume attendance of musical performances, operas, and the like (ie. post-children), I hereby vow to put boot (or stylish-yet-comfortable flats) to ass the very first time someone purportedly in existence to entertain me decides to interrupt said entertainment in order to interject their un-asked-for, un-wanted, and un-intelligent political opinion into the proceedings.  

In other words, shut the fuck up and amuse me, as you’ve been paid to do.

Dear New York Times:  Consider these facts, if you will.  A) You suck.  B) You suck so hard you have to sell ads on your previously “pristine” front page.  C) You suck so very, VERY hard, that you decide a funereal editorial on the entire situation is a) interesting to your readership, b) possessing of any shred of dignity whatsoever, and c) at all news.

Let me spell it out for you, I’ll even use small(ish) words:

WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR PARTISAN HACKERY.  DIE NOW PLEASE, KTHX.

And finally…  Dick-tater Chavez has “suspended”  his “charitable” contributions of heating oil to poor US households.  

GOOD.  Take your “charitable” contributions, Chavy, shove them up your ass, then follow immediately with a lit match.

And does the name of that Yet-Another-Fucking-Kennedy(what are they, rabbits??)’s “charitable” organization give anyone else the socialist-wiggins?  Citizen’s Energy Corporation: Don’t Worry, YOU Don’t Have to Work for It – Some Other Fool Does

Well, dear readers, I have visited Egypt, walked its streets*, spoken with its people, and I have to say, I never ran across anyone quite so smushy in the brainpan as this fucker:

An Egyptian man said on Wednesday he was offering his 20-year-old daughter in marriage to Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush in Baghdad on Sunday,

#1, Saad…I can call you Saad, right?  Because you SO are.  #1, he threw SHOES.  Not the most effective assassination attempt on record, honestly.  Yes, I know it is considered a grave insult in your backwards-assed culture to wave your shoe, or your foot, or your left nut at someone, but while you weren’t looking the rest of the world has gone right ahead and left the Dark Ages.  We’re all up here in the 21st century, enjoying margaritas, titty bars and high-yield IRAs Doritos.  Join us, won’t you?

And you, daughter-girl…

The daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, said she agreed with the idea. “This is something that would honor me. I would like to live in Iraq, especially if I were attached to this hero,” she told Reuters by telephone.

Baby, you are dumber than toe lint.  I realize, HONEY, that you’re the inevitable product of your backwards-assed culture, but seriously…you’re a university student in Egypt, one of the less-backwards-assed of the Arab states, get on the fucking internet once in a while and see how the rest of us live.  That’s “by our own goddamned will,” thank you very much.

And Mister Shoe Thrower…  Just what is your problem?  Hating all that pesky freedom are you?  Well, we can surely understand that.  I can see how the constant fear of being lowered into an industrial shredder is a far more nurturing environment in which to live/raise children.  Hell, I can’t wait for our own Chosen One to start the Purges.  

Mainly so I can blow the living shit out of anyone who comes within twelve feet of my property line, but also the nurturing. 

*Not THAT way you prurient fuckers.

Via Weasel Zippers

Go get ‘em, boys.  And girls.

The IDF is drawing up options for a strike on Iranian nuclear facilities that do not include coordination with the United States, The Jerusalem Post has learned.

While its preference is to coordinate with the US, defense officials have said Israel is preparing a wide range of options for such an operation.

I don’t think anyone forgets that Israel is perfectly capable of dealing with their uppity neighbors.