What the entire FUCK???

Show your love for the former USSR during training time in this adidas Marx A-Flex Russia cap, featuring a six-panel low-crown fit, deep pre-curved brim, an Always Cool™ sweatband to wick away the moisture, and a hammer-and-sickle graphic.

May I ask which member of your clearly brain-damaged artistic team came up with this winner?  Five bucks says his/her mother was near-naked, filthy, covered in patchouli, and fucking anything that moved/possessed  THC-bearing products 30 years ago.

And the copy:  ”Show your love for the former USSR…”  I’m just going to assume you fucktards are all about seventeen years old – and products of our AMAZING public school system to boot – ergo have never even heard of Communism, Lenin, Stalin, or the millions of people who DIED under their disgusting “ideals.”

But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s been long enough.  Surely only crazy old gun-clingers remember all that crap.

(Via Conservative Punk)

UPDATE:  Alert reader Kristopher tells us Adidas has come to its senses and and removed the USSR hat.  A quick perusal of their site shows a fucking  CUBA hat to which we can easily redirect our ire.

Show your love for the Republic of Cuba in this adidas Marx A-Flex Cuba cap, featuring a six-panel low-crown fit, deep pre-curved brim, an Always Cool™ sweatband to wick away the moisture and a star graphic on the front.

Adidas, you pack of unwashed retards, there’s not a person on that bloody island who could tell you the definition of the word “Republic,” (they’re too busy starving to gain a classical education, you see) so why don’t you knock off the lefty theatrics, eh?

UPDATE THE SECOND:  The Cuba hat is now toast.  Power to the people!

As of this moment, this household is a PFZ.  A Pepsi Free Zone.

No more shall we allow my formerly-beloved Mountain Dew to cross our threshold.  Never again will I sing the sweet song of Dr. Pepper.  All YUM restaraunts, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Long John Silver’s, etc., are forever barred from access to my hard earned post-tax dollars.

Pepsi, you have  abandoned the final vestiges of corporate decency in favor of giving a  zillion dollar blowjob – the likes of which can usually only be found in the highest priced whorehouses of North Korea – to the ego of The One.  (I mention North Korea here because that the only place I can think of off the top off my head that actually has giant posters declaring the people’s adoration of their Dear Leader.)

PepsiCo, you are now offically the Whore of a New Generation.  Willing not only to proclaim your love like a drunken prom date, but willing to put out to the whole football team like LouAnne Gadfly, belle of the Sub-Deb spring cotillion, just because Daddy didn’t give you the pony you REALLY wanted for your fifth birthday.  Your cock-juggling is going to end up with you at the free clinic hoping that penicillin can take care of that rash on your twat (and strangely enough on your feet; Christ bitch, what the hell did you let them do to you?)  When you suddenly can’t meet any good boys anymore and your momma tries to tell you that you need to bathe more often and all the other girls won’t even be in the room with you anymore, let alone let you borrow their make-up, you will only have yourself to blame.

Your ulitimate punishment will be a creeping decent into syphilitic madness, punctuated only by the brief times on stage in Tijiuana when your last remaining friend, Pedro the Donkey, will show you that even though he doesn’t really love you, he can make you hurt just a little bit more.

The end for you will come finally when you will see Tommy-boy one night out the audience.  Tommy-boy, the only boy who treated you decently after your gash-opening party.  Tommy-boy, who when you were both five years old said he would always love you.  Tommy-boy, who grew up to join the Navy and is on his first weekend pass from San Diego, will see you and Pedro up on stage and not even recognize you.  And when you reach out for him, that sweet clean cut boy from your innocent youth, he will pull away from you so fast that you will fall from the stage and break your neck. Another dead whore, and a lesson to Tommy-boy to stay the fuck out of Mexican bars that only serve piss-warm Chongo and Pepsi Cola.

Fuck you, Pepsi.  Have the decency not to infect anybody else before you die.

UPDATE: Thanks to a few commentors and emailers who let me in on some spin-off and distribution info.  Keeping that in mind, I went researching:  Wiki is your friend after all.  The following is a list that wiki says Pepsi owns. Damn I hate it, but all that shit is getting tossed:

• Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Pepsi, Diet Pepsi/Pepsi Light, Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Pepsi Light, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Pepsi Lime, Pepsi Max, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi ONE.
• Other U.S. carbonated soft drinks, including Mountain Dew, Mug Root Beer, Sierra Mist, Tropicana Twister Soda and Frawg,
• 7 Up (Globally, outside the USA)
• Other U.S. beverages, including Aquafina (Flavor Splash, Alive, and Twist/Burst), Tava, Dole, Gatorade, Izze, Mountain Dew AMP, Propel Fitness Water, SoBe, Quaker Milk Chillers, Ben & Jerry’s MilkShakes, and Tropicana
• Beverages marketed outside the U.S.: Alvalle, Concordia, Copella, Evervess, Fiesta, Frui’Vita, Fruko, Junkanoo, Kas, Loóza, Manzana Corona, Manzanita Sol, Mirinda, Paso de los Toros, Radical Fruit, San Carlos, Schwip Schwap, Shani, Teem, Triple Kola, and Yedigun
• Frito-Lay brands: Baken-ets, Barcel, Bocabits, Cheese Tris, Cheetos, Chester’s, Chizitos, Churrumais, Cracker Jack, Crujitos, Doritos, Fandangos, Fritos, Funyuns, Gamesa, Go Snacks, James’ Grandma’s Cookies, Hamka’s, Lay’s, Miss Vickie’s, Munchies, Munchos, Nik Naks, Ollie’s Meat Snacks, Quavers, Rold Gold, Ruffles, Rustler’s Meat Sticks, Sabritas, Sabritones, Sandora, Santitas, Smartfood, The Smith’s Snackfood Company, Sonric’s, Stacy’s Pita Chips, Sun Chips, Tor-tees, Kurkure, Tostitos, Walkers, and Wotsits
• Quaker Oats brands: Aunt Jemima, Cap’n Crunch, Coqueiro, Crisp’ums, Cruesli, FrescAvena, King Vitaman, Life, Oatso Simple,Quake, Quisp, Rice-A-Roni, and Spudz

You’re being had, people.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt and “Girls Gone Wild” chief Joe Francis announced Wednesday that they have sent a joint request to Congress asking for a $5 billion federal bailout to help the adult entertainment industry weather difficult financial times. 

The duo contends that while the industry is still viable, the sagging economy has had an impact.

“People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.” 

According to Flynt and Francis, adult DVD sales and rentals have decreased by 22 percent in the past year, and viewers are increasingly turning to the Internet for adult entertainment. 

Francis said the money for the $13 billion industry would be “just to see us through hard times.”

If you’re not, if this is actually not a massive poke in the eye from Flynt – who is smart enough for it, make no mistake…that fucker Francis is just along for the ride – then I sincerely hope it causes an apoplexy in a key number of senior Senators and Representatives grave enough to effect their immediate retirement.  

And WTF is MY bailout??   The well’s going to run dry eventually, you pricks.

About damn time:

Security analysts and the Somali government are publicly flirting with the idea of hiring mercenaries to stop the pirates that are terrorizing east Africa.  Now, the notorious guns-for-fire at Blackwater are responding to the call, with a resounding arrrr!!!!!

I suppose ex-Seals will do if you can’t afford actual Seals.

Oh, and Mister Liberty Girl, you MAY NOT send them a resume.  Well, unless they agree to never send you into the field.  Analyst work only, baby.

Exsqueeze me?  *hand to ear*  Baking powder?

US Marines have been singing about their exploits on the “shores of Tripoli” ever since President Thomas Jefferson sent them to scour out the world’s most dangerous pirates, the Barbary corsairs, from their bases in North Africa in 1801. Now President Barack Obama may have to give the Corps the chance to add a new line – by sending Marines to destroy the newest generation of pirates, this time on the other side of Africa.

Um, no.  Last time the situation was a bit different, try reading a goddamned book.  

Yes, the Fifth Fleet is in that area, but not necessarily to protect the shipping interests of foreign nationals who would just as soon indulge in a bit of pillaging their ownselves.  Isn’t high time you fuckers all took care of yourselves?  That way we won’t have to deal with any of your puerile carping about “imperialism.”  So, nut up, Third World – this means YOU, Saudi Arabia – either pay the pirate’s ransom or night-drop an elite squad in there to do a roach bombing.

What’s that?  You have no elite squads?  Well…how about you HIRE US for the job.  One Seal Team should run you about $1mil per hour, plus expenses.  Cash only, bitches.