You see the music is irrelevant in this industry.  I’m going to have to ship this ‘wick-prick’ platinum just so teenage girls can have a compact disc cover to get wet with.*

Call me cynical, but you can’t ignore the fact that Iraheta has a face reminiscent of the hind end of a bulldog.

Danny Gokey and his ever-changing facial hair is predictably good, though honestly that first note made my ear hurt.  Why the judges (at least two of whom can actually sing) didn’t mention that I don’t know.  
CD cover rating: 4 stars (out of 10)

Kris Allen actually made that song – which I despise from way back – listenable.  But that mouth, his sideways-sliding mouth that makes him look like a little boy trying to be so cute that mama won’t spank…GAH!  Major squick there.  
CD cover rating: 2 stars (+8 for those sad, pathetic girls who get off on that little boy bullshit)

Lil Rounds has officially Lost It.  That song was all over the fuckin’ map, and she was actually singing slower than the music.  Maybe she’s drugged.  
CD cover rating: 7 stars (in that outfit)  

Anoop Desai, you BORE me.  Yes, still.  I like that song (though I agree, in Cyndi Lauper’s grating whinge it is much less appealing), but I find it telling that he basically gave himself a vagina whilst singing it.  Nut up, boy!  
CD cover rating: -423 stars (+433 for the starry-eyed tweenies with a fetish for bug eyes.  Sorry about the bug eyes thing, Anoop.)

Scott Macintyre.  Jesus GOD can we be done with this walking clitoris already?  If it is possible to have negative testosterone, this guy has it.  I think the sympathy vote has carried him quite far enough.  
CD cover rating:  Just EWW

Allison Iraheta can sing, yes, we’ve well-established that.  But see above, please, re: ass-end of bulldog, kthx.  It ain’t the hair, it ain’t the clothes, it’s the arrangement of features on her face.  
CD cover rating:  I’m afraid to specify as that’s dark matter territory

Matt Giraud could be 97 times cuter than he currently isn’t and I still wouldn’t listen to that song.  That’s one that continually gave me minor finger sprains when in actual rotation, yes, from stabbing at the radio to change it to something ANYTHING else.  Stupid fucking song, not helped by a sleazy, wannabe-R&B rendition.  (Small wonder Paula and Whassername drooled over it.)  
CD cover rating:  -5 (+whatever for those who like ferrety-faced potential vampires with waaay too much gum tissue on display)

For Adam Lambert I had to wait to catch his performance on YouTube this morning since both my DVRs are utterly retarded about shows that run over their alloted times.  It was good, but I don’t think it rated a standing O from Simon, unless he’s getting in touch with his boy-kissing side.  The thing that impresses me most about Adam is his breath control.  He never rushes a note, and he holds them, manipulates them, until he is quite ready to move on to the next one.  He’s a brilliant musical technician, and manages to never do the same thing twice in a performance.  Whether he wins or not, he’s going to be recording (er, “recording”?) with Simon.  
CD cover rating: infinity, even if he really does like boys better

*As ever, guess the movie.

So, this was originally a comment over at Resurrection Song, but then it got realllllly long, so I decided to bring it over here instead so as not to be a total comment whore. 

I admit I’ve begun watching this damned show on FFW.  I Just. Can’t. Stand. to hear Rocket Scientist Seacrest query Molecular Biologist Jackson, Neurologist Abdul, Psychologist Whatsername, and Organic Chemist Cowell about, well…anything at all really.  I don’t want to hear them talk.  Evar.  When they talk I can hear my brain cells…”help meeeeee!” they cry.  And so I fast forward.

Will not listen to Anoop.  He doesn’t deserve to be there, and I swear, I really don’t want to see his bug eyes anymore.  

Hey Anoop, sorry about the “bug eyes” thing.*

Still love the Megan chick but that could just be latent lesbianism on my part…she’s awfuldamn cute.  Whoever is doing her makeup is OWNING those eyes with the crazy liner colors.  I wish she’d quit being, yes, self-indulgent, and get a grip on what they actually want from her.  Sounding like Stevie Nicks with a pond full of frogs in her throat just ain’t it.

I started out liking Danny but he’s doing that thing (whether physically or metaphorically, matters not)…that dipped shoulder, toe digging in the dirt, peeking out from beneath eyelashes THING that’s just far more appropriate on a 14 year old debutante than a person with actual testicles. He’s convinced he’s just CUTE and we all should be as well. Dammit.  And if you forget he’s cute, did he mention his WIFE DIED???  Heartless bastards.

Oh Allison, dear.  Yes, it’s a crappy outfit, but honestly, the poor girl is genetically cursed.  Maybe she just needs to borrow Megan’s stylist/makeup folks.  

Tonight’s MEAN moment:  Someone should tell Scott that the big boys – Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, etc. – wear the sunglasses for a reason, and it ain’t to look cool.  His wide-eyed vacant look is a REAL problem for me, totally distracts from whatever he’s singing/playing.  He also seems incapable of singing at a faster tempo…in anything at all.  I find myself tapping my hand or foot, trying to get him to catch up with the music.

FFW-ed completely through Matt’s song after the first few bars.  The lead singer of Fray does that song just fine, because his register is a tad higher than Matt’s, and he has a voice suited to the whingy stuff they specialize in.  So, bad choice, bud.

The hell happened to this Lil Rounds chick?  No, not the enormous shelf butt, but her singing?  She was touted as one of the very best when this started, and now she has MAJOR pitch issues.  Maybe it was just an arrangement issue, but damn.

Adam, oh Adam.  You can tell the judges love him because they watch every second of his performance.  Usually Paula’s hanging on Cowell, Kara is whispering in Randy’s ear, but not when this boy is on stage.  You can just see the $$ pop up in their little eyes as they watch this boy prance around.  He’s studio-ready, he’s CD-cover-ready, he’s tour-ready.  They might have to spend some cash buying up embarrassing pictures, but other than that, let’s go!

Kris did a good enough job, managed to make the “ahno ahno ahno” bit of that song – which typically makes me reach for my carry piece – into something more tolerable.  He ain’t old enough to have the requisite amount of soul to really nail that one, though.

Amazing the bonus inane crap you get when someone dumps a pseudonym, eh?

*Bonus points if you can name that movie.

Back in ’98 you really had something…Jeremy Piven as a maybe-he’s-crazy, maybe-he’s-not guy who claimed to be Cupid, exiled from Mount Olympus until he matches up so many couples.  He did this with the Piven style (mostly extinct now, btw), the Piven flair, and with the actual ACTING of which Piven has since become incapable.

We. Loved. This. Show.  And when you cancelled it, we contemplated – just for a moment – joining the letter-writing campaign.  (If you knew us you’d know that’s Quite A Big Deal.)

Imagine our dismay to discover that you’re attempting a reboot.  Sure, you got the original writer (Rob, that’s you – who, btw, couldn’t find something NEW to do?), and you got the scrumptious Sarah Paulson, but who the fuck is this guy??

Have you honestly seen a smarmier fuck in all your life?  That’s not Cupid…that’s the guy who carries around roofies just in case your Long Island Iced Tea doesn’t work quite fast enough.  

No. No. No, and just NO.  We’ll not be watching this travesty, this knock-off, this cheap re-tread.

Oh, and you, HONEY…it wasn’t a fucking SITCOM.  It was drama with comedy right where it was needed ( much like life, eh?).  Get a clue.

I do LOVE the exhibition of typical elitist prick behavior from the SF husband and wife, though.  Can you imagine those two actually pulling the sticks out of their asses long enough to have sex?  It buggers the imagination.

The apology is bullshit.  The wife’s “explanation” is also bullshit.  They are both desperate attempts to preserve current associations and the possibility for future ones.  But the husband has been exposed as a snob and a verbally abusive bully.  If he would subject a complete stranger to this sort of vitriol, can one imagine what his kids must rate?  And that wife…apparently she asked her swap husband if he was going to hit her.  Um, what?  

Reality shows, with a very few exceptions, are evil and should be destroyed.  I do watch American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Project Runway, but in each of those cases, people are competing based on their born-with TALENT and honestly-acquired SKILLS, not based on how big of a fucking douchebag they can be on national television.

Yes, the producers of these dropped-from-the-ass-of-a-horse shows are 3/4 to blame, for A) conceiving the better-stillborn concept in the first place, B) manufacturing drama between “contestants,” and C) editing the final product to maximize said drama, but the people with the voyeuristic streak who avidly watch them are also to blame.  If they didn’t pull the ratings they wouldn’t be on the air, would they?

*Yes, I meant “buggers,” not “beggars.”

We’re watching the series premiere of Leverage right now, and very much enjoying it.  Think Ocean’s Eleven but with less people.  Who all really don’t like each other. 

What are YOU watching?

I said “almost.”

Rock and a Hard Place is a game show featuring various has-been and currently-are rock/pop stars, answering music-related trivia questions, and mediated by…wait for it…Meatloaf.  It’s formatted like a classic gameshow.  The Loaf leans on the podium of each team, asks a few quick questions about which charity they’re playing for, then on with the show!  

The show has apparently been around for a bit, so there’s a decent backlog of clips on Youtube.  Last night’s ep featured members of Toto vs. members of A Flock of Seagulls, competing in games like Guess the Album Cover, Name the Video Star/Song, and true or false trivia about the band members themselves.  A particularly agonizing game had each contestant playing a song on the kazoo for their teammates to guess.  The show is great fun to watch and play along with, especially the album cover game, and it’s nice to see these geezers out and about again.  

And just look at these upcoming episodes:

1. 10/28   Right Said Fred vs. Bananarama
2. 11/4    Leif Garrett vs. Bay City Rollers
3. 11/11   Divas vs. Color Me Badd
4. 11/18   Jeffrey Osborne vs. Tony Orlando
5. 11/25   Quiet Riot All Stars vs. Air Supply
6. 12/2    Jimmie Van Zandt vs. Sisqo
7. 12/9    The Skinners vs. The Shredders
8. 12/16   Tommy Tutone vs. Ray Parker Jr
9. 12/23   Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam vs. Da Brat
10. 12/30   Everclear vs. Starship
11. 1/6/09  Sha Na Na vs. War